Why Compliments Feel Uncomfortable: The Psychology of Cognitive Dissonance
Have you ever been complimented and immediately felt awkward, embarrassed, or unsure how to respond? You might smile politely or quickly change the subject, but inside, you feel uneasy. This common experience often comes down to a psychological concept known as cognitive dissonance.
What Is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is the mental tension we feel when two beliefs, perceptions, or experiences conflict with each other. When you receive a compliment that doesn’t match how you perceive yourself, your brain experiences a mismatch—and that’s where the discomfort begins.
Example: If you think you’re “not good at your job” but a colleague praises your skills, your brain struggles to align that positive feedback with your negative self-view.
Why Compliments Might Trigger Discomfort
Conflict With Self-Perception
If you see yourself as “average” or “not special,” praise feels out of sync with your identity, creating internal resistance.Fear of Judgment or Pressure
Accepting a compliment can feel like you now have to “live up” to that standard, creating anxiety.Cultural or Family Norms
Many people are taught to be humble and avoid appearing boastful, which can make accepting praise feel wrong.Low Self-Esteem
If you struggle with self-worth, compliments can feel unearned or even suspicious.Lack of Praise During Childhood
If you grew up in an environment where compliments were rare—or only given conditionally—you may not have developed the emotional “muscle” to receive them. In some cases, praise was absent altogether; in others, it was tied to perfection or achievement, creating pressure instead of joy.
As an adult, genuine compliments can feel unfamiliar, suspicious, or even manipulative because you’re not used to hearing them without strings attached. This lack of early positive reinforcement can make praise feel uncomfortable rather than affirming.
The Psychological Loop That Keeps It Going
When compliments create discomfort, people often respond by deflecting (“Oh, it’s nothing”) or rejecting them (“I just got lucky”). This temporarily reduces the tension from cognitive dissonance, but it also reinforces the belief that the compliment doesn’t apply to you. Over time, this makes it harder to internalize positive feedback and can keep self-esteem low.
How to Get Better at Accepting Compliments
Acknowledge Without Justifying
A simple “Thank you” is enough. You don’t need to explain or downplay it.Practice Self-Alignment
Keep track of positive feedback you’ve received. Over time, it helps reshape your self-image.Challenge Negative Self-Talk
Ask yourself, “What if this compliment is accurate, and I just haven’t seen it yet?”Slowly Embrace the Discomfort
Accepting praise may feel awkward at first—but leaning into it can reduce cognitive dissonance over time.
Final Thoughts
Feeling uncomfortable when complimented isn’t about arrogance or ungratefulness—it’s often about the mental tug-of-war between how you see yourself, your early childhood experiences, nd how others see you. By understanding cognitive dissonance, you can begin to accept compliments as valuable feedback rather than threats to your identity.
With awareness and practice, you can shift from deflecting praise to embracing it—building self-esteem and a healthier self-image along the way.
Ready to Start Therapy?
If you're looking for online therapy to reveal how past experiences, self-esteem, and learned beliefs shape the way you respond to praise and reside in Florida, Missouri, New York, or the 40 PSYPACT States, I offer individual therapy tailored to your unique needs. I provide evidence-based, trauma-informed care to build the skills to accept compliments with confidence, and improve your overall self-image.
- Dr. Kaylen Fitzpatrick, Psy. D. | Licensed Psychologist
